I had a friend who once said that everything before the “but” doesn’t actually count. For instance, “I think you are a really great person. You are really thoughtful, considerate, and kind. But, I think you really need to work on your personal hygiene.” Or perhaps you’ve heard something like “I think Phil Kessel is a really great hockey player. He’s got an incredible shot, and he scores more goals than most wingers in the NHL. But, he eats a lot of hotdogs and has a hard time talking to the media, so we should trade him.” (It’s possible I’m still not over that example, but I’m working on it). It doesn’t really matter what compliments and accolades came before the “but” in those sentences. What the speaker really wanted to say was everything that came after.

I think there’s a similar phenomenon happening in our world right now around the words “no offense.” I spend an alarming amount of time on twitter (something we’ll talk about more next week), and there are any number of tweets that begin “No offense, but I think your argument is full of it.” Or maybe “No offense, but you’d have to be really dumb to think or believe X, Y, and Z.” I’m of the opinion that just about any time you come across the words “No offense,” the intent is actually to offend a little bit. Those words are like a lighthouse warning that there are rocks just up ahead.

All of this has led me to the first habit I want to talk about in this series of new habits, and that’s the habit of how we speak to each other.

It may not get a whole lot of press in discussions about Christian habits and disciplines, but I assure you that the way we speak to and about each other is one of the most important habits we can develop. The best thing I can think of is to shine a light on a few positive examples.

Each year I do a fundraising ride for MS. We ride an absurd number of miles, and invite folks to chip in and make a donation. The only real competition around these rides is the amount of money raised. There are usually 500 or so riders, and the top 50 fundraisers get access to a whole bunch of really great perks. They get messages, free goodie bags, preferred accommodations on the night between the rides, things like that. They also get a special yellow rider number, so that they’re easy to spot out on the course.

My friend Travis does the ride with me every year, and every year he makes a point of congratulating every single yellow number he sees on the course. Some of the yellow numbers are accomplished cyclists, who fly by us faster than we can comprehend what happened. Others are probably too out of shape to be considering such a ride, struggling to get up hills and keep the pedals spinning. It doesn’t matter if folks are incredible riders, or terrible. Travis will bike up next to them, thank them for their fundraising, and offer words of encouragement and motivation. I’ve literally seen him turn smiles upside down.

I have another friend Matt who has an interesting conversational tactic. When you see Matt, you might be tempted to go through the traditional call and response our culture has created. Matt will ask you how you’re doing. You might respond “Good! You?” And that’s when Matt will stop you. Matt will look you in the eyes and say “Seriously. How are you doing?” Matt’s not interested in formality. Matt legitimately wants to know what God is doing in your life.

I wonder what we as Christians could do in this world if we actively sought to speak well to and about other people in our lives? Christian faith is meant to be radically counter-cultural, and our culture loves nothing more right now than to tear down, insult, dismantle, and destroy. What if we were people who developed the habit of building up, complimenting, and repairing? What if we were intentional about it, not just falling into that kind of speech accidentally, but actively seeking out the best way to hold conversations with our friends.

This habit might take us some time. It may not come naturally to us. It may take practice. But it’s a habit worth developing, because in the smallest of ways it actually makes the world around us a better place.