Donald and Kathryn lived many miles apart – Donald in Missouri and Kathryn in Virginia. Their parents were in their eighties and in failing health: mom with physical decline that necessitated placement in a skilled nursing facility; dad in the early stages of Alzheimer’s Disease and still living in the family home. Kathryn lived just several miles from their parents and, thus, bore the main responsibility for the caregiving. Donald tried to go to Virginia as often as he could, scheduling business trips to take him to that vicinity as often as possible. When he was there he helped as much as he could but found himself having an increasingly difficult time dealing with his emotions as he watched his parents decline. Kathryn loved her parents as dearly as Donald did but had an easier time coping with her feelings. She didn’t understand Donald’s inability to cope with the emotions of caring for his parents. Arguments often ensued straining a relationship that was already stressed by watching their parents’ struggle and decline.

Scenarios like this are common in family caregiving. The Family Caregiver Alliance writes:

Today's adult children and their parents are going through a new kind of family transition. Because parents are living longer—but with chronic illnesses—their adult children are now caring for them for up to a decade or more. Siblings—or in some cases step-siblings—might not have a model for how to work together to handle caregiving and the many practical, emotional and financial issues that go with it. There is no clear path guiding who should do what, no roadmap for how siblings should interact as mature adults. While some families are able to work out differences, many others struggle. (https://www.caregiver.org/caregiving-with-your-siblings)

In the midst of these changing times questions like these arise: how can family caregivers acknowledge that people can be different without necessarily being wrong?; how can they recognize that people can react differently to the same situation and yet still be loving?; how can they maintain lines of communication while not tolerating bad behavior? Again, the Family Caregiver Alliance has several helpful suggestions: (https://www.caregiver.org/caregiving-with-your-siblings)

• Try to accept parents and siblings for who they are – not who you would like them to be.
• Be careful how you express yourself and ask for help by refraining from anger as much as possible and guilt always.
• Steer clear from power struggles over assignment of legal powers.
• Don’t permit inheritance disputes to damage your family.
• Seek the help of professional agencies and facilities when necessary.

And through it all it is important for family caregivers to be gentle with themselves and with their siblings and other family members – which can be a challenge sometimes. To guide and support our efforts, it can be helpful to remember John’s words:

This is love: it is not that we loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son as the sacrifice that deals with our sins. Dear friends, if God loved us this way, we also ought to love each other. (1 John 4:10-11, CEB)

John’s words can make all of those specific suggestions from the Family Caregiver Alliance possible to accomplish. They can make gentle and understanding attitudes viable when they they can be difficult.

Love yourself. Love your siblings and other family members. Forgive yourself. Forgive your siblings and other family members. And remember God’s promise that, regardless of how strained and painful our days may be, we are not alone.

Suggested resource:
https://www.caregiver.org/caregiving-with-your-siblings
http://www.aarp.org/relationships/caregiving-resource-center/info-12-2011/siblings-disagree-on-parents-care.html